I Desire Marriage But I’m Not Desperate!
It is no secret that I desire marriage. The older that I get, the longing for companionship, physical intimacy, and someone to do life with becomes stronger. I have even caught myself asking God at times, “Would it ever happen for me?” I see my friends and family who are in the same age bracket as me in relationships, married, on their 1st, 2nd, or 3rd child. I see how comparison in this area has destroyed a lot of my peace and joy because I was focusing more on what I didn’t have rather than what I did. The lack of experience in dating and being in a relationship has created such an insecurity within me from the moment I started liking the opposite sex because I wanted to be liked and noticed. I’ve wondered for years if it had something to do with my looks. Was I pretty enough? Was I attractive enough? Was it my hair? Was it what I wore? It wasn’t until after my 28th birthday that I went on my very first date.
My singleness has taught me to draw closer to God like never before. Even though God saw me as beautiful my entire life, I never received it. I never felt it. I looked to a guy for validation, approval, acceptance. To me, I felt like all of the pretty girls got the attention from the guys. You grow up watching Disney shows and movies, cartoons, Disney Princesses, and reading books with the same theme of the pretty girl being noticed and the not so pretty one not even having a name to their character that they played. The media conditioned us at an early age that beauty is defined by the level of attention that you receive. It was taboo to be single. It was frowned up and laughed at. Even adult shows and movies shared the same theme. How do you navigate a world that popularizes dating and relationships while undermining and almost despising singleness?
It took me spending time with God to truly understand that all of this was completely false. You should never look to the world for your standards because the world is unreliable, inconsistent, and filled with lies. If you really want to understand your beauty, you have to search the Creator of it. Just as when you taste a delicious recipe or hear a catchy song on the radio, and you look it up to see the face behind the dish or track, you have to do the same with God.
1 Timothy 4:4 starts off with telling us, “For everything God created is good…” He created you, therefore, you are good. You are not a mistake, a waste, defective, or anything of that sort. If you are like me and never had the experience, God wants you to know today that you are still beautiful. You are still His masterpiece, He needs you to understand your value and your worth so that you know just how precious you are. He needs you to know that not everyone deserves a seat at your table. He needs you to know that your presence is powerful and your anointing is strong. You change the atmosphere when you walk into a room. God knew exactly what He was doing when He created you.
I am at an age where I feel so beautiful and confident in me. It took years to get here but best believe I am going to fight to keep it! I see my singleness as special as well as my purity. I desire marriage but I am not desperate for it. It will happen as God sees fit. The older that I become unmarried, the more I will just have to rely on God’s strength in this area during moments of weakness. In the meantime, I am going to continue living life. I am going to keep up my self-care routine buying things to make me feel beautiful and not waiting for a man to do so. I am going to continue walking in financial freedom. I am going to continue walking in my calling, enjoying the season God has me in. My prayer is that you do the same. Do not allow your state of loneliness to create a season of healing. It is normal to desire marriage but do not try to make things happen on your own. Trust God and wait on His timing. You will look back on this day and be so glad you did.
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