Some Truths About My Singleness and Yours

I am single by choice. That is something that I have realized while listening to a sermon at home one Sunday morning. I shared in one of my last blog posts regarding 3-4 guys who have had interest in me this year for some time now. The reason why I never allowed myself to open up to them was because they were not for me. I could tell by the way they carried themselves. I observe character and actions more than anything. As you begin to heal and truly see yourself the way God sees you, understanding your worth and value, your appetite in the kind of person you choose changes. At 21, I would have given them a pass and date them. At that time, I was very insecure, struggling big time with comparison, guy craving rather than God craving, focusing too much on my relationship status, and not having anything going for myself but work and college. I wanted to be seen by a guy, any guy. For a guy to call me beautiful and attractive over and over again, and be willing to give me anything I asked for would have been enough for me to say yes. Now? I choose not to date them because I know that they are not God’s best for me. The standards that I have and keep are based on my relationship with God. When you know who you are, you decide who is the right fit for you and you won’t settle until you come across it. You know that you want someone who will bring you closer to God and not away. Someone who lives a life pleasing to God, honoring Him and walking in obedience even when it gets hard. 

When you value yourself, your discernment sharpens. You know that love isn’t having someone dog you out, [any form of] abuse, dysfunctional, selfish, confusion, short-tempered, impatient, lies, inconsistency, lack of communication, cheating, controlive, disrespect, or prideful. However, when you don’t value yourself, this becomes your form of love; how you love and how you receive love.

Some of you are rushing into relationships because you don’t want to wait, or because you have yet to learn who you are. If you are not happy single, you will not be happy in a relationship. Your relationship will only be as good as the time you spent by yourself healing and learning. A person should never make you happy. They can add to the happiness already in your life but they should never have that power to make you happy because then that means that they have the power to destroy you. 

Your standards are based on your identity. When you know who you are, you raise the bar for yourself and if that person does not meet your standards, you have the courage and strength to walk away even if it hurts in the moment. The stigma of, “Why are you [still] single?”, creates a feeling of insecurity because we are often perceived as the problem. It is our fault that we are still single. But let me tell you something. You should never rush to be a couple [2] if you haven’t learned how to be a single [1]. If you are not in a couple, that doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. So often, we see singleness as a problem, like some sort of disease but news flash, there is no cure for singleness because it is not a disease. People like to assign God’s favor over those who are a couple and as a result, we do not feel good about ourselves and even by ourselves so we choose to settle for some sort of validation but if you do not feel good by yourself you will not feel good with someone else.

When you understand your singleness, you won’t continue to tie it to a relationship status but to individuality. You are unique. You are special. You are chosen. You are handpicked by God. You are beautiful. You are attractive. You are one of one. There is absolutely no one else on Earth like you. There is only one of you. You are irreplaceable. God did not create anyone else like you and you know that full well. You have to know who you are because when you do, you choose better. 

Alot of our decision-making reveals our value system. When you value yourself enough, you choose better. You will date up instead of dating down. You won’t lower your standards because of someone else’s commentary. You will align yourself with someone who can handle the fullness of who you were created to be because you’ve handled it first. You know that if you want someone to value you, you have to value you first. If you want someone to love you, you have to love you first. When you value yourself enough, you embrace your calling and know that your calling should never be a conflict to the relationship because if it is, you are okay walking away.

If you are single today, it is because you made a choice to not just be with anyone. You know that you rather be by yourself than be with someone who was never assigned to your destiny. You are single because you are whole. You are single because you know who you are. You are single because you know that nothing is wrong with you. You are single because you rather have a cold bed than sleep with a real devil. 

Trust that God will bring you the person when it is time. You do not need to go looking. You do not need to look a certain way, dress a certain way, act a certain way, go to this particular event, or reply back to that DM. All you have to do is be the person God created you to be and continue living life. You do not need to compromise. Wait on God. He knows best.

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