Singleness Blues

Can I be honest with you? Like really really honest? There are times when I feel so content in being single. I am able to move to the beat of my own drums. I can go out whenever I want to and come home late without having to check in with anyone. I don’t have to make breakfast, lunch, or dinner if I’m not in the mood; and on the flip side, I can make breakfast, lunch, or dinner for myself when I am in the mood without having to make it for anyone else. If there is something that I want, I can easily buy it because my money is just for me. I have the time to get involved in hobbies without feeling guilty. I am able to socialize and connect with so many different people on my time and no one else’s. I can pour into my ministry and business freely. And the list goes on.

However, as content as I do get in my singleness, there are times when discouragement, sadness, and loneliness set in, and last night was no different. When I create content for you, whether it is a post, a podcast, a blog, or video, i do it from a place of honesty, vulnerability, transparency, and openness. There are moments where I am on top of the world and moments where I feel like I’m so deep in the valley. I share both sides so that you know that you are not alone, and to also normalize your own feelings.

These past three days have been really difficult for me. I have been strongly desiring companionship, intimacy, and attention. I want a guy to notice me. I want a guy whom I can share life’s journey with. Someone whom I can touch. Someone who can touch and hold me. Someone who I can confide my innermost thoughts with with no judgement. I hear my sisters talk about their futures with their significant other with each other with me sitting there wondering where do I fit in. I see old friends post their children and their spouses wondering if that would ever be me. I see coworkers with pictures of their wedding and pregnancies in their classroom and offices. Friends talking about their boyfriends and girlfriends. Me attending baby shower after baby shower and wedding after wedding. Many times solo.

I sat in my silence because a part of me did not want to go to God as that part wanted to experience the real deal. But no matter how sad, frustrated, and alone I have felt in those moments and continue to feel as I am writing this, I have always been finding that little strength to not walk, but run to God and ask Him to wrap His arms around me. Very, very tightly. These past three days? I have been begging God to surround me with His love and fill me with His presence so that He can calm the raging sea of thoughts in my head. You know you are desperate when you have to cry out to God over and over again needing Him. And guess what? Every time you cry out to God, He hears you and delivers you (Psalm 34:17). 

Even when I was at work a few days ago, I had to stop what I was doing in my office because of how I was feeling. I had put my hands on my head while sitting at my desk and allowed the tears to flow. I didn’t ignore the desires or emotions that was inside me. I allowed myself to feel it. And through the tears, I again asked God to comfort me. [The amount of times I had asked God to comfort me these past three days is way too many to count on my fingers]. And He did. He gave me peace and reminded me that He’s got me and I have His full undivided unlimited attention.

I want you to know that even through the range of emotions that comes with the territory of being single, you are not alone. You are never alone. God understands every emotion and thought that you have because He was Jesus in the flesh walking this Earth very much single. If no one else understands what you’re feeling, rest assured that He does.

There is purpose in your singleness. Don’t allow the discouragement, frustration, hurt, loneliness, and sadness pull you away from what God is designing specifically for you in your season of singleness. So many people grow weary and give up in this season. So many lose hope and settle in this season. The key to continuously pushing through the heaviness is continuously running back to your Heavenly Father and allowing Him to comfort and fill you up. Will it always be your first choice? No. Is it the choice that you want many times? No. But it is the best choice and I can say that confidently based on my own experience. He’s never given up on you so don’t give up on Him. He knows exactly what He is doing so put your full trust in Him. You may not see why now but I am praying and believing that we both will one day.

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